Resources for Parents and Teachers

Dealing with Divorce

For a child, when a parent dies, there is a death IN the family; when the parents divorce, there is a death OF the family. Children of divorce go through grief and mourning similar to bereaved children, yet face circumstances that can make their life more complicated. As parents, we need to minimize the impact of separation or divorce to ensure that the child does not feel abandoned or unstable.

Emotional Responses of Children

1. Regressive Behavior: Children may regress to an earlier developmental level. Thumb-sucking, bedwetting, baby talk, or wanting to sleep with the parent are indicates that the child is having difficulty coping with the situation. These regressive behaviors are adopted from a stage of development when they felt more secure.
2. Denial: The child may reject reality by fantasizing that the parents will get back together. An older child may try to create situations that bring the parents into contact with each other in hopes that they will reconcile. Both parents should work towards helping the child accept the separation or divorce.
3. Hostility: Anger and hostility are a consequence of a child feeling abandoned by both parents. Many times, the anger is directed to the custodial parent for driving the absent parent away.
4. Physical Stress: Physical expressions of anxiety can include fitful sleep, nightmares, diarrhea, urinary frequency, loss of appetite, restlessness, and increase in pulse rate. A doctor treating the child should be informed of the separation or divorce.
5. Guilt: It is common for children to blame themselves over the divorce, thinking that they must have done something terrible to make their parents split up. Also, a child may feel that they should "side" with one parent, which causes guilty feelings of divided loyalty.
6. Depression: To the child, the family unit has died, when there is a separation or divorce. this is the expression of grief over their loss. Grief or depression should not be taken as a sign of preference for the other parent, but rather, encourage the child to open up and talk about his or her feelings.
7. Behavior Problems: Most children will exhibit some for of behavioral problems at home and at school. The school counselor should be informed of the separation or divorce.

--from "Helping Children Cope With Loss" by Buz and Joanie Overbeck, 1995

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